Dear Slavery,

I recently slept with my best friend's girlfriend. The problem is, she was a horrible lay. Should I tell him his girl is lousy in the sack, or should I lie?

Blueballed in Biloxi


Dear Blueballed in Biloxi,

Here is a list of five things you can do with your dead wife's hair:

1. Make it into a rope and hang yourself with it.

2. Make it into a shirt and wear it when it gets real hot out, as penance for the bad stuff you did.

3. Spin it into thread and use to sew up the wounds of the continental army.

4. Never take it out of the drain no matter how clogged up it gets.

5. Stuff it into a pillow and then not be able to get to sleep on it.

--Slavery Hopkins