Dear Slavery,

I've just moved to New York. Where can I find a good burrito?

-sofia


Dear Sophia,

Bored to the point of desperation, Melvin Hernwell dragged his battered Fender Combo ampifier out into his backyard during the meteor shower. Once the extension chord was in place, he turned the volume all the way up, plugged in his Stromberg-Verlag hollowbody and began to hack at its eight strings with his huge, clawlike fingers. The resulting sound waves traveled through an area of monkey grass and elm trees, up a nearby hillock, through the windows of a dilapidated mansion, and into the monocle of an elderly millionare named Percival Wentworth. After only a few seconds, it shattered.

--Slavery Hopkins

Dear Slavery,

Why do the round orbs attached to the bodies of female humans act as magnets to my pupils?

The Queenster


Dear The Queenster,

A certain immoderate wench
Was missed at her normal church bench
Days after this lapse
She was found in the apse
When her corpse began causing a stench

--Slavery Hopkins

How can you do your part to halt global warming?

Southern Doc


Dear Southern Doc,

As the sun dipped below the horizon west of the shattery archipelago, it achieved by degrees the royal purple of a cruel monarch, the diluted pink one might imagine in the blood of a congenital liar or coward, and finally the condensed, ductile white of all things electric. Still, as Lawrence Frank, wearing corduroy pants and no shirt, sat on the shore, he was unaffected by this potentially moving scene.

--Slavery Hopkins

Dear Slavery,

Last night I got into a pretty heated competition with my friends, and I think I wound up eating a chisel. My roommate says that I should just let it pass, but I'm afraid it might rupture my intestines. What should I do?

Chiseled Abs in Chattanooga

Dear Chiseled Abs in Chattanooga,

I drew you a picture.

--Slavery Hopkins

Dear Slavery,

I recently slept with my best friend's girlfriend. The problem is, she was a horrible lay. Should I tell him his girl is lousy in the sack, or should I lie?

Blueballed in Biloxi


Dear Blueballed in Biloxi,

Here is a list of five things you can do with your dead wife's hair:

1. Make it into a rope and hang yourself with it.

2. Make it into a shirt and wear it when it gets real hot out, as penance for the bad stuff you did.

3. Spin it into thread and use to sew up the wounds of the continental army.

4. Never take it out of the drain no matter how clogged up it gets.

5. Stuff it into a pillow and then not be able to get to sleep on it.

--Slavery Hopkins